Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
