At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
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I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
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Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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