she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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