You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Farmville is her only friend.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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