mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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