I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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