My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
