the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
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Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
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I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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