One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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