So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
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You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
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We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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