I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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