New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
