hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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