You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
