No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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