a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
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They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
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Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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