I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
