you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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