I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
