It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
