That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
