the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
