Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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