she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
