Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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