I met the friendliest cop last night
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize