you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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