remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN