hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
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You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
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I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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