I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she looked like the before picture.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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