she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
