apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
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He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
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Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots