see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
