two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
