The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
