I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
