How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
