ya dads aren't the best wingmen
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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