you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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