...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
