Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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