So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
