I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
