He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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