you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
