Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
