I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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