Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Randomize
