we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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