3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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