Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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