Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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