Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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