I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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