The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
