How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
