dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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