I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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