My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
FUCK WHALES
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
