Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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