Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
